Celebrating Fathers, Relationships, Being Present

In his beautifully illustrated children's book Magic Always Happens: My Daddy Loves Me; psychologist Neo Papaneophytou follows a father and son through the seemingly mundane events of the day. He shows the "magic in moments," or the value of simply being present in supporting a child's healthy growth and development. The book's introduction states:

To write “Magic Always Happens: My Daddy Loves Me!” the author drew from his experiences raising his own son. Seeing every day as a blessing, father and child find joy in all their daily activities, especially when their two-year-old therapy dog, Mya, joins in! While this father was born and raised on the Mediterranean island of Cyprus—a world away from his son’s upbringing in the New York City metropolitan area, the experience reflected in “Magic Always Happens: My Daddy Loves Me!” shows the impermeable bond between father and son spending quality time together, wherever in the world that may be. Such loving bonds are relevant to all dedicated fathers all around our global village!

Proceeds from sales of the book are going towards development of an international center for treatment of children with autism.

Neo is part of a community of colleagues who have all been educated in the latest developmental science as fellows in the U Mass Boston Infant Parent Post Graduate Certificate Program. Last week I had the pleasure of being reunited with the group (I graduated in 2011) at the conference I described in my previous post.

From conference speaker Stephen Porges I learned a new phrase, "connectedness as biological imperative." Listening, being present, is not just some "soft" extraneous concept (one pediatrician referred to it in a less than kind tone as "that baby whisperer stuff, " making me wonder if she herself did not feel heard.) Porges' work echoes John Bowlby, whose recognition of the central role of attachment relationships in survival drew from Charles Darwin's theories of evolution. Porges demonstrates how connectedness is necessary for regulation of physiologic and behavioral states. In other words, the way we learn to manage ourselves in a complex social world is through connectedness, through relationships. This is first learned in our primary caregiving relationships in our earliest years, and continues to be developed and supported in relationships throughout our lives.

In describing his book, Papaneophytou wisely identifies the need for a village to raise a child. Increasingly we offer parents "behavior management," "parent training," or even medication to address challenges in raising children.  The best science of our time tells us we should instead focus on protecting space and time for parents, for children and for each other. We need that space and time for listening, for "being with," for supporting that connectedness that is central to our very survival.

Giving thanks for fathers

This post is dedicated to my friend David, who passed away on June 13th after a battle with leukemia, leaving behind two young daughters. While we have not been in touch for many years,  we reconnected around his illness. We were roommates in medical school, and were very close before he moved to the West coast and life took us in different directions. Recently I spoke with a mutual friend, also a father  of two girls, who is godfather to one of David's  daughters. He described horsing around with the girls in the pool on a recent visit shortly before David died. Both David and my friend are athletes, and I could vividly picture the physical nature of David's relationship with his girls, and the important role our mutual friend will now play in their lives.

In my behavioral pediatrics practice I always encourage fathers to participate, and am most grateful when they come for visits.  Sometimes a mother has been dealing with with postpartum depression, and the father can offer a unique perspective. Other times, the father himself has been struggling emotionally, and we are able to address these issues and their relevance to parenting. In a previous post Supporting Fathers Emotional Health, I address this issue in detail. The bottom line is that fathers have an essential role to play in supporting a child's healthy emotional development.

Recently I was interviewed for an article in Parenting Magazine about things not to say when a child is having a tantrum. One was, "Just wait till your father gets home!" While threats of this nature are never  good, recognizing being "at the end of one's rope," and in such a moment drawing on the support of a perhaps more level headed partner is an excellent idea.

I never met David's wife, but my heart goes out to her. In addition to the grief of this terrible loss, she now is faced with the challenging task of managing these inevitable parenting moments without her other half to balance things out. l know from the chain of emails about his illness that there is an extensive support network of family and friends to take up that role. I hope she will make good use of them.

David is still very much alive in my mind. I have vivid memories of him as a thoughtful, smart and really funny person. While I never saw him in his father role, I am certain that he was much more to his daughters than a great playmate. Father's day will be one of many difficult days ahead for this young family. I know those close to them will help them to hold on to their many wonderful memories of David.

In celebration of his spirit, I give thanks for the fathers in my life- both the father of my children and my own father. I hope others will do the same.